So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
