toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
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