Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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