Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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