im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
