There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
