marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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