So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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