see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
3 2 1 whiskey
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
