You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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