It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
