you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
