I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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