it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
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Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
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My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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