Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
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I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
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Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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