Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
