i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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