Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
