I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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