I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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