I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
