Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
