wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
