Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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