I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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