I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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