Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
