dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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