I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Couch. On fire.
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