I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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