this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
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I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
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Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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