I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
