I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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