I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
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I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
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I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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