My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
