Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize