I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
