Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
