so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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