If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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