I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
