Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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