he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
