I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
