I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
