just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
