The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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