Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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