There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The adults are the big ones right?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
