i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Come see our sink grown plant.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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