I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Congratulations! We have a period
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
