can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
