Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
