I CAN MOONWALK!
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
