GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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