I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
