im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I love having hate sex.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
