absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
