This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
