Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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