I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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