I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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