I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
