I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
