We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
