If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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