So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
